I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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