i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
its not stalking. its research.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She announced her abortion via fbk
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
