My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
