My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
