Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My life is pants optional.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Shame - the story of my life.
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