I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
