It was confusing and full of hummus
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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