I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
