No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
