8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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