____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
