Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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