If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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