sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
