Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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