you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
