Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
