At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
