On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
