so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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