dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
