i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
