Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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