I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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