I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
