You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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