You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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