I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
