Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
