I wish life had little blips of pornography
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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