Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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