the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
