We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dick very happy bro
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
