he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
