I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
