I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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