I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
