I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
