Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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