I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
