Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
