So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
