dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
