tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
