I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
