seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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