My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
