You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
