take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
