Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
