I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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